Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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