If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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