My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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