the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You're like the curious george of whores
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
so much tequila, so little girl.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
