There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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