Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
