i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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