the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
we're making bets on your personal life
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
