Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
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I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
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i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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