got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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