I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I fill condoms, not promises.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
