I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
