I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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