Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
