I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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