I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
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My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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