I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
