Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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