I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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