if you like me you must not know who I am
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
