at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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