gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Randomize
