I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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