yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
