Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Randomize
