Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
