why do cheetos always look like penises
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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