My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
