Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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