I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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