wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
