im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
