you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
