I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I just found puke in my bra..
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
