the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
