so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
