Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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