Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Randomize
