Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
