Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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