Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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