Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
