I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He has the fingertips of a God
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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