never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
