a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
