Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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