Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
