A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
