I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
