Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
