Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
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