im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
