I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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