I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
